Understanding Abusive Marriages
An abusive marriage is one in which one partner consistently exerts power and control over the other through physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial abuse. Recognising the signs and acknowledging the presence of abuse is the first critical step toward liberation.
The Importance of Leaving an Abusive Marriage
Leaving an abusive marriage is paramount for the safety and well-being of the victim and any children involved. Staying in such a toxic environment can lead to severe physical injuries, psychological trauma, and even death. Escaping the cycle of abuse allows victims to rebuild their lives in a safe and supportive environment.
Steps to Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Victims must go through several steps to safely exit an abusive relationship:
- Recognising the signs of abuse.
- Assessing their situation and documenting abuse.
- Building a support network.
- Developing an exit strategy.
- Seeking legal protection.
- Beginning the healing process.
Recognising the Signs
Types of Domestic Abuse:
- Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, punching, choking, or any other physical harm.
- Emotional Abuse: Verbal assaults, constant criticism, belittling, and manipulation.
- Psychological Abuse: Threats, intimidation, isolation from friends and family, and gaslighting.
- Sexual Abuse: Forced sexual acts or coercion into sexual activities.
- Financial Abuse: Controlling all finances, denying access to money, and forbidding the victim to work.
Merging Types of Abuse
Abusers often combine various forms of abuse to ensure submission. For example, an abuser might use emotional manipulation to isolate the victim and then employ physical violence to reinforce control.
Manipulative Tactics
- Gaslighting: Making the victim doubt their reality and sanity.
- Isolation: Cutting off the victim from family, friends, and support systems.
- Intimidation: Using threats or aggressive behaviour to instill fear.
Patterns of Abuse
Abusive relationships typically follow a cycle:
- Tension Building: The abuser becomes increasingly irritable, and tension rises.
- Explosion: The abuser erupts into intense violence or emotional abuse.
- Reconciliation: The abuser apologises, promises change, or denies the severity of the abuse, creating a false sense of hope.
Assess Your Situation
Documenting Abuse: Keep a detailed record of abusive incidents, including dates, descriptions, and any witnesses. Medical records can also support your case if legal action is necessary.
Creating a Safety Plan:
- Identify Safe Spaces: Know where to go during emergencies, such as a trusted friend’s home or a shelter.
- Emergency Contacts: Keep a list of reliable contacts who can provide immediate assistance.
Seeking Support: Reach out to trusted family members, friends, or support groups for both emotional support and practical assistance.
Build a Support Network
Friends and Family: Confide in supportive loved ones who can offer refuge and guidance.
Hotlines and Shelters: In South Africa, resources such as the Gender-Based Violence Command Centre (GBVCC) hotline (0800 428 428) can be invaluable.
Therapists and Support Groups: Therapists and support groups offer emotional support and practical advice from those who have experienced similar situations. Organisations like Lifeline South Africa and POWA (People Opposing Women Abuse) can provide valuable assistance.
Developing an Exit Strategy
Gather Essential Documents: Discreetly collect important documents (ID, bank statements, birth certificates) and personal belongings in preparation for leaving.
Achieving Financial Independence: Open a separate bank account and seek employment assistance to gain financial autonomy. Organisations like POWA provide support and guidance on financial independence.
Creating a Detailed Plan:
- Set a Departure Date: Choose a specific date for leaving.
- Arrange Transportation: Plan reliable transportation.
- Secure Accommodation: Arrange a safe place to stay, whether with a trusted friend, family member, or shelter.
Seeking Legal Protection
Finding a Divorce Lawyer: A specialised lawyer can facilitate the transition, manage legal documents, and guide victims through proceedings. In South Africa, Legal Aid provides assistance to those who cannot afford a private lawyer.
Obtaining Legal Protection: Learn how to file for restraining orders or protection orders through the Domestic Violence Act. Understand the process and what to expect by consulting with a legal advisor or organisations like Women’s Legal Centre.
Navigating Divorce Proceedings: Your lawyer can help manage divorce proceedings, including custody arrangements if children are involved, ensuring the safety and well-being of everyone.
The First Steps to Healing
Coping Strategies and Resources: Utilise coping strategies and resources to deal with trauma, such as therapy, support groups, and self-care practices. Organisations like Lifeline South Africa offer counselling and support services.
Setting Boundaries: Establish and maintain boundaries with the abuser and others to ensure safety and autonomy.
Rebuilding Life: Engage in hobbies and passions, reconnect with supportive relationships, and envision a fulfilling life free from abuse.
Sharing Stories: Encourage survivors to share their experiences to inspire others and provide hope to those still trapped in abusive situations.
Benita Ardenbaum attorneys can assist in making the transition as smooth as possible, providing the necessary legal support and guidance.
